oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
