I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
