At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
