When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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