So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
