Don't make out with my wife yet
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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