that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
