just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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