3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
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