Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
