it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
