Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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