What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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