I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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