I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
