I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
