I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize