I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
