he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
