His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
