I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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