I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
