I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
