Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
