I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
50% drunk capacity currently
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize