why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so let's talk penis.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
