I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
