whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he thought i was a dude.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
