Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
