Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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