3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
