What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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