I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had to cum in my sink.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
