Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
