I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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