I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
