The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
