what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
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he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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