On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
