There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
