I'm pants shitting drunk right now
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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