Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
