there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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