God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
