it's like iHOP with fire
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
