You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
