So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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