He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
