I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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