no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
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It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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