ya dads aren't the best wingmen
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
