Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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