im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sext me about skeletons
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
