Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
