1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
