If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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