then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
