One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
