At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
