Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
